When No One Is There For You

No one else could hold me. 
I was the only person in the room. It was up to me. I could have run from myself like I've done so many times before, afraid to see my true strength and beauty in the mirror. But I didn't this time. 

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and let go. 

I saw her standing there in all her power and glory and I looked her straight in the eyes. 

There was nothing to hide any more. 

I had seen myself for the first time.

The defining moment wasn't brain surgery and closing my eyes on the cold metal gurney allowing my soul to be cracked wide open. 

It wasn't when I woke up with pain, hallucinations (what were those big purple beings anyway?) and disorientation. Or when I vomited all over the hospital staff (nurses are angels on earth for real).

My realization happened long before the crisis.

The shift happened when I let go of control.

I CHOSE to be a constant state of grace.

Unknown illness. Ok. Seizures. Ok. No driving. Ok. Medication. Ok. Brain surgery. Ok. Memory loss. Ok. Emotional instability. Ok.

I’ve learned a lot from being a single mom and business owner. Shit happens. 

I promise it does.

We are not in control of the situations and circumstances that life presents us.

You do have CHOICE. 

That is all you have. Nothing else is guaranteed.

How will you choose to think, act and feel about the things that happen in your life? 

Are they happening TO you or are they happening FOR you?

How can you use your own experiences for your growth and evolution?

How to hold yourself.

   1 - You are your gift.

I’ve had lots of revelations post surgery (yes Yoda is still with me).

The one that has brought the most ease and joy to my life is that all I need is ME. 

Not the me that needed to do more to be enough and prove my value in this world.

   2 - Just me.

Being me.

All of my experiences, good, bad, beautiful and ugly make the perfect wholeness of me. 

Listen to yourself.

 I had searched my whole life for external validation. 

I listened to what “they” had told me was best for me. 

I became deaf to my own voice even when it screamed at me over the noise. I was programmed to believe that “they” knew what I should do more than myself. 

“They” are wrong.

You know what’s best.

Trust yourself.

Break the rules. Challenge the norms. Don’t listen to the crowd.

Follow your intuition.

   3 - Slow down and take a deep breath. 

It wasn’t until life forced me to slow down that I was capable of seeing myself accurately.

I rushed through everything, always wanting to be somewhere I wasn’t. Never content with where I was.

I’m here to tell you that all you have is right NOW.

Since surgery I haven’t had the ability to multitask (which I don’t think anyone actually can do anyway).  

When I first got home from the hospital I went a little crazy. I had a few nights where nothing was making sense in my head. I would walk to one end of the house, forget what I was doing and then walk to the other end trying to remember. In this process I made a huge mess. I don’t like messes. I was creating my external environment to match the commotion in my head.   

At one point I got MAD. 

In front of my kid (sorry baby). I looked around and the house was a disaster. Instead of methodically picking up one thing at a time and returning it to its proper place I decided to fuck shit up. 

I threw everything off of the table and counter then hurled the Britta pitcher at the wall (it exploded and felt good). I heard my kid crying and knew that she was scared, but I couldn’t stop. I pushed chairs on the ground and flung clothes and blankets everywhere.

I had a full on temper tantrum.

My lesson:

Do one thing at a time. 

Slow the fuck down and work with the thing right in front of you.

Meditate, walk or schedule more time between activities, you MUST slow down. 

If you don’t the only thing you will be missing is your whole entire life.

No big deal.

   4 - Wrap your arms gently around yourself and hold on tight.  

I signed up for brain surgery. 

They didn’t tell me I was going to die. They just said that my quality of life would continually deteriorate, seizures would increase and there was a risk of potential blindness and then yeah, potentially death.  

It was up to me to decide. 

Have brain surgery that brought many unknowns with it. Or just continue as I was on multiple medications that may or may not work, potential adverse side effects and further health challenges.

No one was there to hold me.

Don’t get me wrong, my family and friends were loving on me and supporting me in every way imaginable. 

But no one can be with you all the time. No one is in your head. No one is in your body. No one is in your spirit. No one decides for you.

I am the only one who is ALWAYS here for me.

When I am scared I know how to use my own arms to hold myself.

   5 - Don’t hide.

You aren’t protecting anyone by hiding. 

Keeping those embarrassing moments and failures to yourself only alienates you more from the other humans around you.

You will feel more alone if you hole up inside your head.

We are all one.

Your tears and triumphs might be the one thing that changes someone’s life. It may encourage them to see, feel or believe that there is something more out there.

Look in each other’s eyes.

Feel each other.

Hold each other.

Love each other.

We are all human.

This takes lots and lots of practice. 

It is not easy. 

Be gentle with yourself when you need to, but be firm when you’re acting like a toddler or a teenager (yes I can say that). 

Hold yourself.

Truly there is no one else who will do this for you. 

You are the only constant in your life. 

Blaming others for your life is futile. 

You are in charge. What will you choose?

Is there something that has worked for you? A story or lesson you’ve learned that could be helpful to someone else?

What you say could be the one thing that touches someone’s heart.